Quit.

I don't want you to affect me,
but somehow you always do.
I don't want you to forget me,
I wish I could forget about you.
It's not like I expected for things to have changed.
But I guess it's sort of stupid of me to think that they still may.
I could do without you in my life, but I feel lost without you here.
if I could I wouldn't change a thing, though I know I probably should.
Hard work will surely help me,
and prevent me from inevitable fail.
but when will things get easy,
I think the ship has sailed...
one beat, one pause, another slips away...
you are leaving me speechless, with nothing to say.
Though you have a way with words, that's one thing I admit.
just the simple thought of you, I am suddenly unable to sit.
I am currently trying to make all the pieces fit.
However, I know it's impossible and that it is time to quit..

How it's meant to be.

I don't want to have to stock you, but you make it kind of hard.
I just want to stand beside you, but for that you are too far.
It's hard for me to find words to say, that won't ruin all that's left.
It's hard for me to look at you, I forgot how much it meant.
it's like you are a part of me and now with you away.
My words are less inspiring, and I have so much less to say.
I'm still curious, however, to see how things work out.
And as the time keeps ticking, I will resist the urge to shout.
Anger builds up within me, it's so much harder here with you.
But you could say that I'm an expert, and I know just what to do.
This isn't the first time I've dealt with how you make me feel,
and I just have to remember, that at once some things were real.
I'm stronger each time you touch me, and I am weaker each time you leave.
But something inside me tells me, this is how it's meant to be.

Dance with Me.

Do you count the steps? Do you hear the beat?
Do you know what its like to taste defeat?

Ignorant, Loyal, Friendly, or kind,
Amazingly… all, fairly easy to find.

Do you notice emotions that all people posses?
Do you try your hardest to look always your best?

If the time and place presented itself
Would you take the challenge, or ask for help.

Do you care about what people think?
Do you try to float… Or always sink.

What time is it? Are you ready to go?
Life wont wait, It's time for the show.

Can you understand what there is to do?
Can you make some old look like brand new.

Do you count the steps? Do you hear the beat?
Do you climb the mountain, or think it's too steep.
Do you miss what you had.. Or do you love what you are?
Do you sit and act sad… Can you try really hard?

Inside yourself do you always see
What you've made yourself cut out to be?

Around the world it's hard to find..
A person you think is worth your time.

Can you smile often? Can you understand?
Will you always put out a helping hand?

Do you judge those around you whom you barely know?
Do you stick up for loved ones, or do you leave them alone.

Do you know that I am happy… Just the way that things are.
I am content in just knowing I will always go far.
Just understand one thing, take time to comprehend.
I will always be in it, until the very end.
Another milestone later, yes some things have changed.
I'm older and wiser… at the least rearranged.

Do you understand the depths of my sincerity?
If I needed your help, would you be there for me?

Do you know how truly happy I, myself have become.
It seems I have made it past the rule of thumb.

I can count the steps… I can hear the beat
I can feel the rhythm, Will you dance with me?

Accusations.

My problems surpass something that I like to call you.
I am past the point of trying to decide what to do.
There's nothing left in me that wants things okay.
Can't wait for that something that will end this day.
Your words dont scratch the surface,
I don't care much about what you think.
Accusations more like worthless,
you wont throw me out of sync.
I'm glad you decided to grow up a little bit.
Looks like someone finally learned how to take a hint..

5 o'clock.

It's five o'clock. It's cold outside.
It's like times not moving. Only keeping rhyme.
The sun is setting, the snow just falls.
The scene is beautiful after all,
the sky is fading, the memories too,
it's lovely really. And so are you.
Not much to say about what i should do.
No real indication if anything is true.
I guess I'm content with the way things are now,
I want to make progress, but I just don't know how.
One blanket, one book, one pen and some paper.
I reflect on the things have changed for the better.

Reflecting.

Inspire to lead and define the in between
Encourage outsiders and explore the unknown..
Inside you there are words you didn't even know existed ....to your common mind,
A light bulb somehow is switched to turbo. Causing all likeliness to shine through.
And whether or not you know it.
The light that is shining, is you.....
Changes are irrelevant to what is happening in time.
And people surrounding will come and leave your mind
The muse of unknowing strangers surrounding you..
And the occurrence of gratitude that at times makes you blue.
Natures propensity in making things difficult or not.
And your ability to speak intellect, without getting caught..
The walls closing in are reflectant on stress.
And when things get real bad, it's okay.
The figures who lead you along the rest of the journey
Will make nothing more difficult, someday
Apprehension inside us, further more wont own you
All that is left is for you to decide what to do
Just think back to the draw board.
Look for the switch to the light.
And thoughts will run through you.. all day and all night
Confidence is key to the success you will feel.
And the frustration you remember, it will seem so surreal
Unknown is explored and identified after.
Sooner or later you will realize....

there is so much more out there

Theft.

And if she left here today there's somethings you should know.
Just in case things slip up, and its too late.
She loves you more than lord thought you could be
and inside there are feelings stronger than the eyes could once see.
she's head over heels for the things that you do..
and although things are harder, she can't help think of you.
The sun sets, the sun rises, the tide comes in and goes out.
She smiles and giggles, then she screams and she shouts.
Despite what there is and what there isn't somehow..
You mean to her the world that is slowly tumbling down.
And if its too late to save her from this tragety site..
i hope you sleep soundly all day and all night.
She still wants you and needs you more than you ever may know..
and is content in just knowing there is no place to go.
As much as she wishes for nothing but you..if the world was her storybook,
the first thing she would do.
Is erase you from crossing her lines from the start,
and erasing the marks you have made on her heart.
For the best things and worse things that have happened in time..
are nothing but reminders..reflectant in mime.
And although it woukd kill her to think anything less..
she strives to forget that you are guilty of theft.
You've stolen her heart and will not give it back
and it hurts her each day and there's no turning back....

Pause.

A pause & play button. A slow motion track.
A way to say thank you and never look back.
A journey not taken, one mile left to go.
I want to remember, I don't want to hear no.
You're much more than a drug, an addiction more like
too long without you, I'm already loosing my mind.
It's not much a matter of moving on fast, it's not like you're leaving...
I mean, you're going to come back?
Altering my ego, replacing what I lack.
It's time to move forward, and set a time worthy path.
Intuition takes over, and fast forward turns on.
Two months becomes days, becomes hours, becomes none.
Who would have thought that I'd still be here today,
you would think I had learned, I still don't know what to say.
I am stuck in a trance of memories and lust,
too scared to let things fly away with the dust.
The sensation of your touch is too strong to let die.
when our lips finally touch I take off and I fly.
The desire to hold you takes up most of my day,
I am asking temptation to come out and play.
I just want things to slow down, the clocks to turn slow.
I want you to stay here, I don't want you to go...

Nerves.

No one there to talk to. No one with much to say. My hands are slightly shaken, my feet are now misplaced. My nerves are now on fire and with no expression on my face. A melody breaks upward, the room still keeping pace, it seems like things are spinning slow, my thoughts are running wild. It's like they've got somewhere to be...but they could stay a little while. All in all, I told myself that things would be okay, and when I didn't take advice, right here they then shall stay. My body's numb with untold truths, the tear drops down my face, and with a simple sudden jolt, everything just slips away....

The Angora Fire

Sunday, June 24, 2007. I wake up, open my blinds, prepare myself for another boring Sunday. I glance out my window and admire the trees outside, the flowers beginning to bloom, for some reason the scene in front of me was so much more compelling today than it has ever been. This was the house I grew up in, and loved. A small, one story, blue house with grey trim. Right in the middle of the prettiest neighborhood in Tahoe, North Upper Truckee.

I walk down the hallway, and glance around at the numerous pictures on the wall: me dancing as a child, my brother Joey in his football jersey, my Mom and Dad's wedding, family photos. Not realizing a significance. I hear a voice from the kitchen: "Chelsea honey, breakfast is ready", it's my Mom carrying a plate full of homemade waffles and scrambled eggs, my favorite. During breakfast we discuss a family day at our favorite beach, minutes later, plans are set.

We arrive at Round Hill Pines beach at noon, park the car and head towards the beach. It's not the warmest day, the sky is cloudy, unwelcoming almost, but I make the best of it. Nothing could prevent me from having a relaxing day, or so I thought. Hours pass with no significance, the clock hits three o'clock, something is not right. I glance over at my father, he too had a bad feeling. We look up into the sky, not much has changed about the gloom overcast, in fact the sun is a brighter orange than I remembered hours before. And that wasn't all that was off about the atmosphere; the air, it was hazy, thick. Then at nearly the same instant, my Father and I got up and started packing up our things, we needed to get home, immediately.

I've never made it across town so fast in the 15 years I'd lived in Lake Tahoe. Radios announcing a fire in North Upper Truckee are on every news station, firetrucks are running up and down the boulevard, people are on their cell phones in every car we pass, babies crying in every backseat. Running a red light suddenly didn't matter, and the cops on every corner obviously agreed. Since I was the smallest baby, fire had always been my biggest fear, and I was desperately wishing that I could wake up from this nightmare. I squeezed the door handle, sweat drops slowly slid down my devastated face. Nothing I could do would allow me to wake up, because this wasn't a dream, this was real.

We pulled into our driveway and almost simultaneously ran inside our house and began frantically gathering the few belongings we could. Flames were up to our fence, and approaching quickly. Once again I stopped and glanced at the pictures on the wall, mesmerized almost. Taking mental notes of each and everything I could take in, I was tempted to just stay inside the room, and never leave. Recollecting myself I remembered my goal of retrieving my baby blanket from my bedroom. Feeling stupid for taking such a long detour, I hurried to the end of the hallway. Inside my room I couldn't help myself, I soon found myself crying, and in an instant a wave of fear came over me, and it was like something was preventing me from moving, making every breath difficult. I grabbed my most cherished childhood memory and shut my door behind me.

The memory of that day plays over and over in my head nearly everyday. Sure, it was nearly three years ago and my family and I are now living in a beautiful new home in the same location. In many ways things couldn't be better. However, there's a certain part of me that will never let the memory of that day fade from my mind. From time to time I will find myself dreaming of days in that house, and playing out events that never got a chance to happen behind those doors. I wonder at times what possessions I should have saved, pictures I should have recovered. Things as simple as barbie dolls, and Christmas ornaments can get me worked up from day to day. But, if there's one thing that the Angora Fire taught me, it is that "things" can never last a lifetime. A simple piece of property should not hold much significance in your life. The memories that you carry along with them, the events you encountered while in their presence, this is what the real sentimental value comes from. I could spend a lifetime wishing that I could have my house back, but that will never bring it back to me. And I could pray everyday for beautiful neighborhood to reappear unharmed, but in the end I should save the gesture for something more appropriate.

I can honestly say that losing my house to a Forrest fire changed my life in more ways than a new living arrangement. If I could go back, I wouldn't change a thing. The Angora Fire made me who I am today, and taught me more life lessons than I could have ever learned in a classroom. I am stronger now, and I have learned what it is like to lose something you love. I cherish each and every moment I am given, because in reality nothing is guaranteed to last a lifetime. And you can never be sure when the chapter of your life has met the end of it's road. I live my life to it's absolute fullest and I am ready for anything that could ever come my way.

I guess this is where I say hello....

I am taking a leap into the world of blogging. That goes to say that it shouldn't be much of a great leap, more like a place to contain my insanity. We'll see how this goes. Enjoy :)