Haunting Life.

Sometimes, the dreams from the night before will haunt me throughout the day. Sometimes when I wake in the morning I will open my eyes and forget about all the things I will have to face that day. Most of the time, that will be the cause of me rolling over to go to sleep. Not because I am tired, no, see I am a morning person. Wake me up, and I'm ready to go. But when all of sudden reality is just too much to tolerate anymore, who in their right mind would ever want to stay awake? But then, there's the days that my dreams frighten me, or make me think of things I don't want to think about. People I want to forget, situations that have come to haunt me, decisions that I wish I could still change. Or then there's the places that don't even make sense, houses that no longer stand, people that no longer live, rooms that could never exist in the real world. And then I awake not only confused with why my reality has become so complex, but also with the question as to why my mind also continues to mess with me along with reality. It's almost like I'm living in a blur, all day and all night. I sleep to get away from reality, I wake to run from the nightmares. And all day long safe from everyone else, even my mind is running wild. Telling me I'm doing the wrong thing, questioning each and everything I do, I've done, I am about to do. I'm so lost in time right now I don't even know if there is a way to find my way out. Today, I will walk around campus with the images from my mind last night, I will ponder their meaning, I will shift around storylines, I will run the scenes through my head a million times. And I will discuss moving plans, and house situations and deal with a million people who can hardly control their own lives, let alone help me with mine. And at the end of the day, when I am exhausted from all of this, then I will do it all over again. And hopefully if I do this long enough, one day when I wake up I will feel relieved, happy, content. I will be happy with the sweet dreams of the evening before, I will be excited to start another day. I will be waiting for that.....I'll let you know when I get there.

Hold inside.

I'd like to say I found a distraction,
but I'm not that good of a liar.
I'd like to say that it all was worth it,
but it hurt like a heart on fire.
I would love to say you made a difference,
but if you did, it wasn't good.
I would like to think that you didn't mean it,
and I would forget it if I could.
After all we've been through, nothing's changed.
You never really cared.
After all the nights and constant lies.
The hole inside is still there.

Struck with Silence.

Struck with silence for my feelings. 
Lost in doubt beneath it all. 
And I want to say just something, 
but I'm too scared to make the call. 
I've tried to keep my distance,
I have tried to keep my cool. 
But I am stuck here in this worry,
and the burden's rather cruel. 
I think back to when this started,
when I lost control of time. 
When your world became my oyster, 
and my poems never rhymed. 
I remember it was easy, how
the words would flow like water. 
I remember to be patient, 
if I don't things will get harder. 
I remember he would see me, 
like nothing mattered in the world. 
I just remember thinking, 
"I wouldn't let go, if I ever could"..
Although this makes life better, 
and my hands are free for now. 
As long as things go on like this,
I'd much rather keep things sound. 
It's hard for me to let the wall around me finally fall. 
It's hard for me to bring myself around to face it all. 
It's hard for me to hide my mind, to not speak my love to you. 
But while you're thinking about the truth, I'll be here thinking of you. 

Actually Last...

How am I ever to find the thing,
that makes things different.
That makes things change.
When all I want.. right here, right now.
Is something different, a brand new sound.
I can't explain how all this feels,
it's something crazy, but so surreal.

I can't put to words how it changes me,
if you were a stranger, what would you see?
A different girl, now all around.
These little elements seem so profound.

I can't keep up with the changing pace,
now even fast enough to find a trace.
Of what made me different, here, today.
What made me change my everlasting fate..
What brought me here to this empty room,
What lead me into what seems like doom.
What exactly was it that caused this path,
and was there ever anything that could actually last?

Tomorrow's alway's near.

Looking for some solitude among this gloomy day.
As I walk along the beach front,
I've got nothing much to say.

The sun is brightly shinning,
and there's people all around.
But nothing really matters,
and nobody makes a sound.

I've done a lot of thinking lately,
but nothing like today.
I'm searching for what's in my head for something right to say.

I'm finally feeling better,
and it feels like years since then.
I'm done making my conclusions,
and I'm quite done with asking "when"..

I'm growing fond of what's around me,
quite content with where I stand.
I don't care about the falling,
and I don't care about where I land.

If it's life that gets me going, well, I should probably run from here.
There's no use in fighting the future, for tomorrow's always near.

I feel the warmth around me,
and I don't question where it's from.
I just smile and remind myself that my trouble's now long gone.

The ocean waves have calmed my soul,
and reminded me of nature.
How nothing ever looked the same,
how the sky was never clearer.

The melody of wind chimes that will cross along the land,
the whisper of the butterflies that fly around my head.

The quiet in the moonlight, the silence by the stream.
The cooing of a mother who's daughter wants to scream.
The two will walk together, she now calming her little one.
And a mother's intuition will then send her troubles gone.

I will always miss the mountains,
but the ocean works for now.
I am loving where I'm sitting,
I love that no one makes a sound.

If it's life that gets me going, well, I should probably run from here.
There's no use in fighting the future, for tomorrow's always near.

Nightmares in an Empty Bed.

In an empty bed I find myself, quite lost behind the wall.
Unable to just bring myself around to face it all.
I'm broken-hearted, sad, confused, I don't know what there is to do.
And outside this house are loud remarks that remind me of that too..
I remember a day when I never cared about warmth while I had slept..
The days were simple, nights were long, and I always had my rest.
But now I sit here, as hours pass, with no progress on my plate.
And I worry that this will always be my everlasting fate.
Around me is love, now all around, and it's hard to find a change.
I know that time will heal the rest, but I somehow feel ashamed.
I wish I had a moment, just a speck of what others have..
To keep my thoughts inside, and never let them know that I am sad.
Sitting here in silence, I've grown quite eerie of sounds.
The simple clicks and unknown steps that always are around.
I think about how someone could maybe feel the same way too,
and I wonder if they've told someone the words of "I love you".
I toss and turn for hours, I think way more than any should.
And when I finally fall asleep, well, my dreams are never good.
I wake inside a panic, and then I shake myself to sane.
I wipe the sweat and calm myself, only to repeat it all again.
It's becoming rather normal, with my pounding empty heart.
I remind myself now constantly to try not to fall apart.
The mornings leave me tired, with the images of fear.
I wake quickly to forget all that always happens while I'm here.
I live my days more freely, able to ignore what's all around.
But when nighttime falls I find myself still scared of all the sounds.
I pray that someday maybe, a pleasant dream will come my way..
Or maybe that there's something that will scare the night away.
Until my better knowledge, you'll still find me here, alone.
And the dark circles in the morning, will be all I ever show.

I'm better now because,

I wonder if he reads this,
and thinks it's 'bout him still.
I wonder if he wonders,
though the thought leaves me no thrill.
I wonder if he's different,
though he's probably still the same.
I know that he's delinquent,
always playing stupid games.
It's funny how I wondered,
if he ever really cared.
It's funny that I told myself,
"of course he's always cared"...
It's stupid how long it took me,
to remove his power trip.
It's a relief it only took me,
four fucking years to free his grip.
And looking back I wonder,
if I ever thought at all.
I'm looking forward hoping,
I will never get a call.
I know that it's no use
to hope that he has changed.
But somewhere still inside me,
locked in pieces won't arrange.
I'm glad I'm at this point,
ignoring all that ever was.
I've learned that there's no use,
and I'm better now because.

Your race.

No words to describe how I'm feeling,
for I don't think there's a word for all this...
No thoughts to explain how it's hurting,
though I sit here each day and just wish.

I wait for the moment,
when you'll feel the same way.
You'll glace over to me,
and know just what to say...
My thoughts will then simmer,
my mind will relax.
My heart slowly throbbing...
The moment will pass..

I'll find myself here,
where I started back then.
Continually wishing,
here we go once again...
I wonder if time will bring light to this fog.
I wonder if someday I will finish a song..
I question surroundings,
I watch my own back.
Think twice before choosing,
never miss what I lack.

I have begun to admit I don't have any clue.
I don't know where I'm searching,
I just know I want you.

If you only could see what I have in my heart..
A big open space, that's now tearing apart.
I wonder if someday you'll fill that whole space.
Or if I'll constantly be here,
still last place in your race.